So NPR is doing this Three-Minute Fiction contest and the rules are:

“We’re looking for original, short fiction that can be read in less than three minutes — that’s no more than 600 words.”

And

“At some point in your story, one character must tell a joke. And, one character must cry.”

It sounded like a good writing exercise even if I never actually sent in an entry, so I gave it a try and here is what I came up with:

Lilly went quietly into the room, not wanting to disturb anyone. She preferred, whenever possible, to remain a bystander. Silence and remaining along the wall or in corners was paramount to staying uninvolved. She liked to call it gladiator-uninvolmentism. Not a word exactly, but was an apt description that made it sound more glamorous. Gladiator-uninvolmentism, as implied, was going to war with social situations.  It was being in a social situation without actually being involved and it was actually harder than one might think. There were social butterflies who had to talk to everyone in the room, or clown types who made jokes of others and in doing brought attention to themselves and their victim. Occasionally she’d encounter drunks at parties who’d want to hang onto the hem of her cardigan all night, like she was their seeing-eye dog. The worst was the bubbly host who made it their duty to greet and have meaningful conversations with everyone. It’s to be wondered why a person so distasteful of attention would find themselves at parties. Lilly hated people, preferring her cats and classical fiction, but her career as a successful celebrity blogger made hermitage impossible.  She had chosen this career path for three reasons:

  1. She couldn’t find a job after completing her Doctorate in Ancient History.
  2. Blogging allowed for spending the majority of her time in her apartment with her cats.
  3. Her occasional forays into society were just right for practicing her hobby- gladiator-uninvolmentism tactile moves.

Lilly knew how to properly execute a sneeze, coughing fit, drunkenness, faux vomiting or a trip to the bathroom at the right moment as to elude unwanted communication. She even learned basic ASL, Japanese and Hindi incase conversation was unavoidable.

Today was a simple engagement party of an actress and her decorated Naval Officer fiancé. Lilly got invited because her blog got about a million hits a day and being featured in it was good for publicity. Lilly hid behind the celebrities and no one knew her real identity, but as she crept into the lavish banquet room it became apparent it was empty. Lilly slipped about the room taking in the décor then began retreating. Suddenly, she was stopped by sobbing. In a semi-hidden nook sat a pretty blonde, the actress, her red eyes catching Lilly’s.

“Sorry. Party’s canceled,” the actress croaked. Lilly signed “deaf”, but the actress perhaps couldn’t see through her tears because she didn’t respond. Lilly began for the door.

“Wanna know the worst part?” the actress asked.

“Watashi wa Niku wa Tabemasen,” Lilly said in Japanese. The actress didn’t notice.

“He didn’t tell me why.” The actress sobbed harder, her shoulders bobbing. Feigning a coughing fit, Lilly again made for the door.

“Here take one of these,” the actress held out a tissue. What could Lilly do? She’d signed, spoken Japanese, and tried coughing. Cautiously she took the tissue.

“What am I going to do?” The actress looked up helplessly. Clearly Lilly couldn’t gladiate her way out. She thought of what people should do in this situation.

“What’d the fish say when it hit a wall?” It was the only thing Lilly thought of- try to be funny in social situations.

“What?” The actress was obviously annoyed.

“Dam!” said Lilly breaking into a forced, awkward laugh.

“What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see I’m upset?” The onslaught continued, “Why are you here? Get out… freak!” The actress rose dramatically from her chair and chased Lilly from the room shouting expletives.

Outside Lilly smiled; her non-gladiator social interaction was successful. She had, after all, stopped the actress’s crying.

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