I am not superstitious, but looking back over the last eleven years of this decade it seems that every third year has been significant for me. When 2000 dawned many people thought it was the end of the world with the threat of Y2K looming. I wasn’t worried. I had recently won my battle with cancer, turned seventeen and would soon graduate high school. 2000 was the beginning for me in a lot of ways, I never thought of it as the end. Three years later in 2003, I married the only man I have ever loved, the man I knew God had for me- I married my best friend, Michael and we started our amazing adventure together. We planned on waiting five, but three years after our marriage in 2006, Cade was born.  He was a bit of a surprise and I was so nervous about being a mother, but that year I learned how completely I could love another human being before myself. Three years after Cade, came Jude in 2009 and by then I loved being a mother and was so grateful to have two healthy sons to raise the best way I knew and to have a husband who loved me so much.

As 2012 begins there are those who again think this year might be our last- that this May the world will end. Again I do not think it is the end, I hope it may just be the beginning. I think 2012 holds a lot of promise being my next 3rd year. Wonderful things have happened every three years and I will hold 2012 to it. Already I am excited for the future, for this new year. I have finally found a church I want to commit to and plan to serve more there in the new year, working with the kids church and co-leading the Celebrate Recovery night. Also I am thinking of going back to school to major in English, soon this month I will need to fill out my FAFSA and the idea of doing that makes me giddy. This October I turn 30, a big landmark for me because I feel like in someways it sort of marks my official start of mature adulthood. So much uncertainty lays ahead, so much waiting and yet there is also a lot of promise and hope. As I anticipate it all the thing I feel most is gratitude. Gratitude for new years and new starts. Thankfulness for the lessons learned last year that I can grow on this year. When it all comes down to it, New Years is just another day, just another passing of time. For me though, and for so many others, it is a symbol of new chances, fresh starts, and another year to pursue Joy.

I’m still running the race. Welcome 2012, here I come.

Literally, my worst nightmares came true this year. I lost my best friend.

On the other hand my nightmare gave way to great things. When I hear of friends touched by the sharing of my struggles, of other’s marriages strengthened through the failures of mine, of wonderful books read and shared, of blessing in the midst of curse I cannot help but give thanks for the trials of 2011. It has transformed others as it has transformed me. So much of who I was, was wrapped up in what my husband thought of me. My worth, my beauty was reflected to me in what he thought. When that came crashing down and all I had was Jesus I began to realize my worth to Him. For the first time in my life I feel truly confident. I know I am beautiful. I know I am sexy. I know I am a good mom. I know I am a good wife. I know I have worth beyond the comprehension of the human mind. All these things I learned in trial by fire. I was tested and I was not found wanting. I shone out like a diamond in the rough and not because of me, but because of Christ in me. Which is all the more glorious.

The best book I read this year was One Thousand Gifts by Ann Vosekamp. In 2011 I learned to give thanks in all things. Thanks in fear. Thanks in weariness. Thanks in pain. Thanks in stress. In giving thanks at those times I learned to have joy always. It was the most precious gift I got all year, Eucharisteo.

God is so good, so faithful- He reminded me of that this year. Showed me how much He was missing my communion with Him. He drew me close and protected me, giving me great hope for what will come next. 

So much pain and struggle lie ahead in the New Year, I’m not so naive as to think that with the stroke of midnight all will be well, but I cling to so many promises. Promises made by Truth will not fail. 

“We’re looking for original, short fiction that can be read in less than three minutes — that’s no more than 600 words.”

And

“At some point in your story, one character must tell a joke. And, one character must cry.”

It sounded like a good writing exercise even if I never actually sent in an entry, so I gave it a try and here is what I came up with:

Lilly went quietly into the room, not wanting to disturb anyone. She preferred, whenever possible, to remain a bystander. Silence and remaining along the wall or in corners was paramount to staying uninvolved. She liked to call it gladiator-uninvolmentism. Not a word exactly, but was an apt description that made it sound more glamorous. Gladiator-uninvolmentism, as implied, was going to war with social situations.  It was being in a social situation without actually being involved and it was actually harder than one might think. There were social butterflies who had to talk to everyone in the room, or clown types who made jokes of others and in doing brought attention to themselves and their victim. Occasionally she’d encounter drunks at parties who’d want to hang onto the hem of her cardigan all night, like she was their seeing-eye dog. The worst was the bubbly host who made it their duty to greet and have meaningful conversations with everyone. It’s to be wondered why a person so distasteful of attention would find themselves at parties. Lilly hated people, preferring her cats and classical fiction, but her career as a successful celebrity blogger made hermitage impossible.  She had chosen this career path for three reasons:

1. She couldn’t find a job after completing her Doctorate in Ancient History.
2. Blogging allowed for spending the majority of her time in her apartment with her cats.
3. Her occasional forays into society were just right for practicing her hobby- gladiator-uninvolmentism tactile moves.

Lilly knew how to properly execute a sneeze, coughing fit, drunkenness, faux vomiting or a trip to the bathroom at the right moment as to elude unwanted communication. She even learned basic ASL, Japanese and Hindi incase conversation was unavoidable.

Today was a simple engagement party of an actress and her decorated Naval Officer fiancé. Lilly got invited because her blog got about a million hits a day and being featured in it was good for publicity. Lilly hid behind the celebrities and no one knew her real identity, but as she crept into the lavish banquet room it became apparent it was empty. Lilly slipped about the room taking in the décor then began retreating. Suddenly, she was stopped by sobbing. In a semi-hidden nook sat a pretty blonde, the actress, her red eyes catching Lilly’s.

“Sorry. Party’s canceled,” the actress croaked. Lilly signed “deaf”, but the actress perhaps couldn’t see through her tears because she didn’t respond. Lilly began for the door.

“Wanna know the worst part?” the actress asked.

“Watashi wa Niku wa Tabemasen,” Lilly said in Japanese. The actress didn’t notice.

“He didn’t tell me why.” The actress sobbed harder, her shoulders bobbing. Feigning a coughing fit, Lilly again made for the door.

“Here take one of these,” the actress held out a tissue. What could Lilly do? She’d signed, spoken Japanese, and tried coughing. Cautiously she took the tissue.

“What am I going to do?” The actress looked up helplessly. Clearly Lilly couldn’t gladiate her way out. She thought of what people should do in this situation.

“What’d the fish say when it hit a wall?” It was the only thing Lilly thought of- try to be funny in social situations.

“What?” The actress was obviously annoyed.

“Dam!” said Lilly breaking into a forced, awkward laugh.

“What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see I’m upset?” The onslaught continued, “Why are you here? Get out… freak!” The actress rose dramatically from her chair and chased Lilly from the room shouting expletives.

Outside Lilly smiled; her non-gladiator social interaction was successful. She had, after all, stopped the actress’s crying.

In case you haven’t noticed 2010 is over, but it’s taken me until now to sit down and contemplate the year. This time last year Michael had just been laid off and shortly after had a bad flare up of colitis. I think he lost about 20 pounds, was walking with a cane and was out for about a month.  It was scary for me as he had never been that sick from colitis before.  In March my newest nephew, Justice, arrived. In April we said goodbye to my Grandma’s best friend and companion of 10 years, Bob. May took the boys and I to Mexico to visit my mom.  In July mom got married. June Cade turned 4 and a few months later we celebrated Jude’s 1^st birthday.  September we had a visit from my mom and Rick and I started teaching Preschool. October we went to Tennessee to visit one of our favorite families, it was our fist real vacation as a family in two years. November 2^nd, Michael turned 30 and shortly after had another flare up of colitis. It was the worst to date by far. December saw Michael back on his feet and us looking to make some serious health changes- hopeful that we can stop these flare ups altogether.That’s a quick review.

In January of 2010 I had made a list of goals for the year, here’s how those panned out:

1. 1. Make a small monthly income from writing. Sort of gave this up when I started teaching preschool. I’m still making a little but less than $100/year which is pretty pathetic.
2. 2. Not to yell at Cade so much. I’m doing better I think and I’ve made a mommy manifesto for myself which I keep on the fridge and helps remind me of the kind of mom I want to be.
3. 3. Ride a horse. Didn’t ride, but I had a few offers from family and friends to come ride their equines, sadly it never panned out. I’m hopeful for 2011.
4. 4. Travel. Yes, a little. Made it to Mexico and Tennessee.
5. 5. Create more art. If drawing with Cade and making crafts with the preschool and after school bunch count, then yea I created a lot of art. Other than that, not a whole lot.
6. 6. Run a race. Or at least begin getting in shape to run one spring of 2011. The end of December I signed up to go to an informative meeting on running in the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Race for the Roses in April. The meeting is next Thursday, we’ll see how it goes.
7. 7. Visit more tea shops. I haven’t exactly visited more tea shops, but I’ve made a few more connections in the tea community. Even got a Christmas present from Stash this year.
8. 8. Sing karaoke. Nope.
9. 9. Go to some of my musical friends’ shows. Nope again, but we did make some friends with The Henningsen’s when we went to their show in TN.
10. 10. Learn how to be seductive. No, epic fail. Let’s leave it at that.
11. 11. Remember more frequently that I’m not better than anyone else. Still struggling to not be so judgmental, I think it will be a life pursuit.
12. 12. Write more frequently just for fun. Yes, I did.
13. 13. Finish “Vintage Jesus” by Mark Driscoll. Nope.
14. 14. Wear a size 6 again. Yes! Although as I pointed out to Michael the other day, I’m a borderline muffin top in them and it’s not always comfortable to button the top button on my pants.
15. 15. Not to be afraid of being assertive. Getting better, not so scared anymore. Do need to work on remaining calm in my new found assertiveness though.

For 2011 my Goals are a little more simple.

• Do not compare myself to other moms.
• Do not compare my kids to other kids.
• Run a race.
• Stick to my Mommy Manifesto.
• Remember last year’s goals.
• Write more.

I got to spend it with my top 3 favorite people in the whole world.

I didn’t have to go anywhere.

I got to do all the cooking and got to make it as healthy as I wanted.

Every Thanksgiving since our marriage seven years ago, we’ve had to spend the day visiting all our different family units. There are Michael’s mom and sister, my Grandma on my mother’s side, and the Gilson’s- my father’s side. If Michael’s dad didn’t live out of state, then there would be him too. Thanks in large part to divorce we have four separate families that don’t really interact or want to interact much.  But this year Michael was too sick to go anywhere and no one wanted to come here to our little apartment, so we got the day all to ourselves.

I wanted to make sure we made an effort to make the day special. That we enjoyed each other. The TV got turned off for the day and the computer got only limited use (mainly because I had to look up a few recipes).

So Cade played with Legos and dad helped a bit. Actually come to think of it mom helped too. Jude occasionally wrecked them and Cade had to start again.

It was fun to watch him get so focused on one thing for so long. That doesn’t happen much with Cade. While the boys played I did all the cooking. Which wasn’t much since it was just the four of us and the boys barely count as one serving. And Michael’s barely eating anything right now.

On the menu:

HoneyBaked Ham

Nut-stuffed Delicata Squash (home grown)

Mashed Organic Red Potatoes

Chicken Gravy (from scratch)

And that was it for the main course. Pretty easy, pretty simple, pretty healthy and not much chance for gluttony which I think is good. Michael was having a pretty good day Thursday. He decided to try acupuncture to get some relief with the complications he’s been having from colitis. It seemed to really have helped. He did get a little tired though about mid-day, so he got in a nap while Jude was napping and Cade was still playing with Legos.

About 3:30 it was time to eat, so I roused the gang andwe sat down to our meal.

This was the first Thanksgiving Jude really got to eat anything, since last Thanksgiving he was only three months old. He seemed to enjoy it, but true to his budding toddler ways, he did throw a few fits during dinner. We took it all in stride and at least I got one shot of him while he was still being sweet. And Cade, true to his four year old ways, just acted like a clown and barely sat still. I am very thankful for my precious boys and both the headaches and the joys that they give me.

After dinner I got right to work on dessert. Jude spent most of the time crying and trying to get me to pick him up, but I managed. Michael is trying to stay away from some very key things- refined sugar, white flour and milk. The very things most desserts are full of, but I was determined. So I settled on something I found called Baked Cranberry Pudding, but I substituted a few things:

• I used Whole Wheat flour
• Instead of sugar I used stevia
• Oat milk in place of regular milk

To top it off I combined plain Greek yogurt, honey, vanilla and cinnamon to make a sort of healthy alternative to whip cream. The result was not a lightly sweet dessert similar in taste to a cranberry scone. The best part was that the boys loved it and wanted seconds which I didn’t have to hesitate to give. Also to go along with that I made crock pot chai tea with a few substitutions:

• Honey in place of sugar
• Oat milk instead of regular milk

All in all I was exceedingly thankful for my Thanksgiving Day. Blessings.

He is good, I know this to be true. If I looked for it, I would see that He is good every day. His ways are higher than mine and so I know that in the midst of chaos, illness, poverty- He is still good. It is possible to find badness in everything. To have a negative outlook on everything. I know people like that, but I would rather see the good- see the bigger picture. And in that goodness, Godness, give thanks.

Now I find myself with a heavy load. A load of sickness, of worry, stress, and an added work load. But as I look up from out of this hole I seem to be in, I see that I am not carrying my own load. That in my burdens I feel light and joyous. I know it is because of His goodness. His goodness compels Him to carry my load for me. His strength makes Him able and in it He finds great joy because of His love for me.

When I consider these things I cannot help but be moved into a mode of thanksgiving.

Thank you for the cross. Thank you for Your easy yoke in trade for the heaviness of mine. Thank you for Christ in me, the hope of glory. Thank you for my husband who cherishes me and provides a good home for our family. Thank you for my boys who refine me and are yet a source of great joy in my heart. Thank you for tea, art, love, good books, Subarus, Google, music, sun and snow. Thank you for preparing a place for me.

The first conquest of my summer reading list is the Keith Green biography written by his wife Melody Green. It is the life story of musician, writer, and controversial Christian Keith Green who died at the young age of 28, along with his two small children, in a plane crash.  Anyone who’s been around a church worship service in the last 20 years is probably familiar with “O, Lord You’re Beautiful” and “Easter Song” among others.

For a relatively short life, the book was rather exhaustive, covering his entire life from birth to the day he died. At times it was a bit slow and difficult to read. I actually put it down twice in favor of other books.

Reading his spiritual journey was the most interesting to me. He literally tried it all. He had a Jewish heritage, but was raised a Christian Scientist. Later he tried mysticism, drugs, psychology, Buddhism, and various other religions and philosophies, until “Christ broke through” and he accepted Jesus as his savior.

Mostly I found the biography uncomfortable and painful, but it was also inspiring and challenging. Keith’s zealousness for Christ and works of faith were over the top at times. His motivation always seemed to come from a pure heart but mostly it was his constant condemnation of his self and a lack of understanding of grace that were so painful for me to read. He spent most of his 8 years as a Christian wondering if God really loved him and if he were really saved.

His desire to serve the Lord even to the point of  cramming dozens of people he met off the street into his tiny home. His generosity. His music. His vision for world missions. His belief in the importance of discipleship. This was what I found challenging and inspiring.

All in all when it comes to his spiritual journey I would recommend the reading of that to most anyone. When it comes to much of Christian life though I’d be cautious. His life was amazing and his music even more so and I’d recommend the listening of the latter to everyone.

Perhaps most importantly, was his life indeed No Compromise? I’d say so.

A I do this most summers and I like to share it because it creates a sort of public commitment between me and my list and therefore helps keep me accountable. Also it’s been in the past a great way to get some feedback and recommendations. Thus far, here is my list:

First I must finish No Compromise: The Keith Green Story by Melody Green

Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray

Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer

Eiger Dreams by Jon Krakauer

A Tale of Three Kings by Gene Edwards

Inferno by Dante

Vintage Church by Mark Driscoll

Also I’d like to reread CS Lewis’ Scifi trilogy.

I think that should take the summer, if I’m lucky I’ll have room for one or two more.

- Make a small monthly income from writing. I did finally get my first check from Examiner.com, a whopping $30 something for five months of work. No thanks. I’m moving onto new things. I’ve started a blog with my good friend Amelia, all the ad revenue will not come straight to me. Only problem is $0 is $0 no matter who you share it with. You can check out the blog if you like: http://youngandmarriedadvice.blogspot.com/

- Not to yell at Cade so much. I think I’m doing better. Helps that I’ve been sick with a sore throat most of the year so far.

- Ride a horse. Nope not yet, not even close. Haven’t even touched one.

- Travel. Haven’t gone anywhere yet, but my grandmother is planning on taking me and the boys with her when she goes to visit Baja next month. I’m pretty excited and hope it works out.

- Create more art. No, not exactly. I have been taking more photographs lately. But as far as drawing and painting go- a big no.

- Run a race. No, still lactating. Kind of hurts to run in that condition.

- Visit more tea shops. I found a really great one in Sandy called Chariteas. I’m hoping to do more of this sort of thing when my friend Willow moves to town. She’s single and has no kids and likes doing that kind of thing so I think we’ll do some exploring together.

- Sing karaoke. No.

- Go to some of my musical friends’ shows. Alas, another no.

- Learn how to be seductive. Okay, so I’m not going to go into details, but this one was a huge crash and burn. I think I may need to give up the pursuit before someone gets hurt.

- Remember more frequently that I’m not better than anyone else. This one may take my entire lifetime. With some people I have an easier time than others accepting that we are on level playing fields.

- Write more frequently just for fun. Yes, I am doing this. There are 189 days until the next Wordstock, I want to have something worthy to send them.

- Finish “Vintage Jesus” by Mark Driscoll. No, I had to return it to the library because it was on hold and now my fines are so high I cannot check anything else out. So until I take care of the $22 I am afraid it will have to wait.

- Wear a size 6 again. I’m comfortable in an 8, less comfortable in a 7, but getting there. I think I have about 10lbs to lose to be pre-baby. The real problem is my stomach. It’s like trying to squeeze playdough in your fist, it always comes squishing out the cracks.

- Not to be afraid of being assertive. Hmm… really only in my dreams am I ever a badass. Working on it.

Well there we go. That’s how I’m doing. A little progress and no regress I don’t believe so that’s good right?

It started this summer when a family we’d made friends with on the bottom floor, who had a large hard to miss Doberman, moved onto big and better things. In this case it was a duplex with a back yard for the said Doberman. Shortly thereafter a Mormon family moved in. Somehow I knew right away they were Mormon. Maybe all my years in Pentecostal churches has given me spiritual spot-a-cult-a-mile-away vision or maybe it was the young men in white dress shirts and black ties that came on 10-speeds to help them unload the U-Haul. Of course once I noticed that the family headed off every Sunday morning dressed in the same sort of white dress shirts and ties and the mother always wearing a skirt, it confirmed my initial belief. Their sons would come outside and play with Cade and the other kids in the building, we’d say hello and occasionally chat a bit when we’d pass them, but that was about it.

Our casual acquaintance changed soon after a couple missionaries came knocking on our door. Elder Pack and Elder Fisher introduced themselves as Cade ran about wildly and fresh from his bath, with soapy droplets still clinging to his naked gyrating body. They laughed politely and informed me that since I was a Christian we shared a similar message and the prophet was still alive today speaking for God. Or something like that, I didn’t catch the exact phrasing being a little sidetracked by a crazed three year old and a crying infant. I did invite them in, it was cold and I thought I’d offer them tea, but they declined since I was a lone woman and they single men. Instead we made a date to visit the following Sunday evening when Michael would be home.

That Sunday evening they arrived promptly and brought along the “downstairs Mormon neighbor husband”. This was the nickname we gave him. We prayed, read some scripture and chatted casually. Then they left us with a Book of Mormon and a reading assignment of 3 Nephi chapter 11. It was agreed we’d meet later that week at the Mormon neighbor’s apartment for dinner and more discussion. In the meantime Michael and I did our reading assignment, which was basically what had happened in the America’s while Jesus was being crucified in Jerusalem, how a resurrected Christ appears to them in Bountiful and teaches them his Gospel, and all believe and are baptized. We wrote down our questions and thus were ready for our next meeting.

What surprised me about reading the Book of Mormon, since it was my first time, was the language. I expected it to sound like the Bible, but it did not. Even though it seemed very much like pieces of the New Testament were cut and pasted and new writing added in-between it still sounded much different. I can’t exactly describe the difference, but to say that I’ve been reading the Bible since childhood and this seemed like it was trying to sound like scripture, but failed. For one thing, “and now it came to pass” is used an awful lot. It is used eight times in the one chapter we read, not very creative. I know that sounds very critical, but I don’t mean it too be. That’s just honestly what I thought.

Our follow-up meeting went very well. Michael and I went not wanting to stump them or argue, but just to ask some very genuine questions. For one thing, where was Bountiful? Another was that in the Gospel accounts of Christ’s crucifixion Jerusalem experiences three hours of darkness, but in Nephi America experiences three days of darkness, what accounts for the difference? Why the need for baptism? This led to more discussion and more questions. Some they could answer, some they could not. I expected them to have an answer for everything, I’m not sure why. I was amazed that God, God of the Bible, is not the creator of all in Mormonism, that there are other gods. I was surprised to learn that we were once spirit children in heaven who came to earth to earn the right to go back to heaven. I didn’t know that Jesus in Mormonism did not die for all our sins, just some of them. Mainly though I saw how passionate they were about their faith. At one point the “downstairs Mormon neighbor wife” almost cried as she told us how deeply she believed it. For some reason that shocked me.

We’ve had a number of visits with both the Elders and the Mormon neighbors since then and I’ve learned more than I ever thought I would about Mormonism. The number one thing I’ve learned through all of this though, is humility. I never realized how crazy I must seem until I met them. They believe what they believe, just as strongly as I do. They are just as passionate as I am. When listening to them it was hard for me not to laugh. It was hard to not just dismiss them as being totally out of their minds. Instead I realized I look just the same to anyone outside looking in. I’m grateful for that humility.

I also understand now why people are Mormons. Mormonism doesn’t have a hell. They are all about family and your family is a family for all eternity. If someone dies having never received the Gospel according to Joseph Smith you can have a baptism of the dead for them and they will be able to go to one form of heaven. Those are things that a lot of people have a problem with in mainstream Christianity and Mormonism solves it for them. It’s also a works based religion, that doesn’t appeal to me, but it appeals to a lot of people.

Last night we again had dinner with the Mormon neighbors and the Elders. One of them was transferred today and it is unlikely we will see him again. I’m sure we will continue our relationship with the remaining Elder and our neighbors for sure. I really like them and I think we could be really great friends if they weren’t Mormons. I say that because as sad as it is I think our difference in religion keeps us from being good friends. I would always feel like it wasn’t a friendship, but that I was a “mission”. I wonder if non-Christians feel that way about me?

What do I appreciate about Mormons? What can I take from this experience? As I’ve already mentioned humility is the biggest thing. Also I appreciate their duty to family and the necessity in keeping the family unit intact. I like that they try to keep body, mind and spirit healthy and balanced. They strive not to lean to heavily on one over the other. I think that’s important. I love that they watch out for each other, that they have a sense of social welfare that greatly surpasses the government and most Christians. I’ve enjoyed learning and while I’m confident I’ll never be converted, I hope our meetings continue. Our conversations have made me question what I believe and I’m not afraid of that. I believe, and it has, only served to make my beliefs in what I know to be true stronger. The goal is to find Truth and I hope we all find Truth.